Childless is not less

When I was 11, my parents were advised that I see an endocrinologist since I hadn’t grown in a while and was only as tall as my sister who was three years younger than I was. After much testing, I was diagnosed with a chromosomal disorder called Turner syndrome. Basically, I have a missing chromosome, which can affect many things such as the heart, kidneys, and thyroid, and can cause learning disabilities, short stature, infertility, and more. For more info, see https://www.turnersyndrome.org/

Soon after being diagnosed and undergoing further testing, it was discovered that I needed a hysterectomy to prevent cancer. A few months before my 12th birthday, I had the surgery. Talk about life-changing! More about my life with Turner syndrome to come…

At the time I had the surgery, I was aware of what was happening. I knew I could never have a baby grow inside of me. The full impact of that life-altering surgery didn’t really hit me until age 16. It was very difficult to comprehend and accept since I loved little babies and children and had always wanted to be a mom one day. I remember I experienced some depression and bitterness. I cringed often and came to not like it when I heard from well-meaning people, “You can always adopt.” I now understand that the person saying that did not realize it’s not the same! I had to learn to let it go. It didn’t happen overnight. It was while at an orphanage in Israel that I realized those babies and kids needed a mommy and a daddy. During this time, Bible verses 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 became very special to me. “For My grace is sufficient for thee. For my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ will rest upon me.” The “Power of Christ” helped me see how special adoption is. My attitude changed completely.

After five years of marriage, however, my husband and I decided we would not adopt. My heart was broken. I so desperately wanted my own children to love through adoption. Seeing friends and other people with their kids was difficult. The desire and longing were all-consuming. I was so focused on it. I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t admit that I felt jealousy, resentment, bitterness, and depression. It wasn’t until I finally acknowledged those feelings and learned to let them go that I was able to begin the healing process. I had to change my thoughts and fill them with good thoughts. Dwelling on it was dragging me down to a low point. I also had to learn contentment—being content even when I don’t have something I want desperately. This change and contentment didn’t happen overnight; it took a long time. I had to start seeing the good things in my life, be grateful, and look for ways to make my life count using the gifts and circumstances God had placed in my path.

God had a plan for my life, and it was His plan, not mine. Once I was able to recognize and let go of the past and those bitter thoughts, peace entered. Through determination and patience, I received my RN degree and now, I’m able to help others who are struggling. I signed up for the Big Sisters program and worked with a young girl through her challenges and journey in life. I walked alongside her for 10 years, and we still stay in touch. I would never have done that if I had my own children. God was able to use me in ways He may not have been able to use others. I occasionally have periods of sadness, and sometimes it is still challenging to overcome, but it can be done. You can choose contentment, or you can choose bitterness. I choose contentment. I choose happiness.