Abuse

For many years, I didn't think the anger and intimidation from my dad, who had raised me, and my fear of him would be considered emotional and verbal abuse, but they were. The fear of being hit was always there. The angry looks I would get when he was upset were as though he could have killed me. The way he spoke to me at times by cutting me down, humiliating me, and intimidating me for faults I had or mistakes I made. There was a time I remember playing a game as a family, and he got upset with me and threw me down. Another time, while making my parents’ bed, my sister and I were bickering. What siblings don't bicker and squabble, right?! He got so upset, he threatened to hit us if we didn't get into a better mood or stop. I remember being so afraid that I jumped when my mom came home.

The fear I faced so often as a child has been a long journey through healing. It hasn't been easy. Words are very powerful and very hard to erase from your thoughts. They become ingrained in your mind. You believe the cruel words that have been said must be true. The first thing I needed to work on was not being a victim. I have come to realize that I am responsible for my actions and how I react, act, and respond to others. I also had to learn to depend on God and remember that He loves me unconditionally. He has been with me through the journey, and He has given me the strength and confidence to be where I am today.

I have had to learn to push away painful memories and not dwell on them. Continually dwelling on them makes it more difficult to let go, and, once again, those thoughts begin to try and define who you think you are but are not. Let's face it: it's easier to have a pity party than work on letting go, right? It never gets us anywhere. God does not see us that way but rather as what we can be and how wonderfully He has created us.

It isn't easy going through the pain and healing. It can be done, and it is so worth working through the process of letting go and experiencing the healing. More to come!